Google

Lisa brought something to my attention today that uplifted my spirits greatly: Go to google.com and type in miserable failure and you'll get the biography of George W. Bush.

try it: http://www.google.com

I think its funny and for those of you who don't I'm sorry but...... too bad so sad, you'll get over it.

More Questions to Ponder

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. Is there another word for synonym?
4. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
5. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
6. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
7. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
8. Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
9. If a stealth bomber crashed in a forest, would it make a sound?
10. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

In the Next Room

In the Next Room

Scene one
*the scene opens in a college dorm room where a girl and her boyfriend, having just finished watching a movie prepare for bed

(clock-12:30am)
James: That was a good movie honey.
Lisa: I know! It's my favorite.
James: I liked the first ending better
Lisa: Yeah, I.....
(Lisa is interrupted by the sound of a faint creaking noise coming from stage left)

creak-creak-creak-creak-creak.....

Lisa: God! That girl has a boy over every night.

(James walks to the point at the wall where the sound is emanating from and raises his fist in the air as if he was going to hit the wall)

Lisa: (laughing) no baby!
James: (grinning and laughing) But think of how funny it would be to scare them while they are...

(both laugh hysterically)

(James goes over to the wall where he was before and hits it with all of his might)

the creaking stops for a moment and then........ creak.........creak......creak...creak-creak-creak-creak

(Lisa and James are laughing hysterically)

Scene two
*the scene opens with Lisa and James fast asleep in bed

(clock- 3:00am)

creak-creak-creak-creak-creak....

(Lisa wakes up)

Lisa: Baby wake up. (she nudges James to wake him)

(James wakes up)

Lisa: They are at it again.
James: Damn don't they ever sleep! (James says in a disgruntled voice)

(James rolls over and goes back to sleep and Lisa eventually does the same)

Scene three
* the scene opens in the dorm room with the light of a new day cascading through the window

(clock- 9:30am)

creak-creak-creak-creak-creak-creak....

(Lisa wakes up)

Lisa: James!

(James wakes up)

Lisa: Listen!
James: Wow! They don't quit

(both laugh when they remember James beating on the wall the first time they had heard the noise)

(some time passes and the creaking continues)

Lisa: (annoyed) See what I have to put up with!
James: Yeah, at least the people next to me get the drift when I hit the wall in my room.
Lisa: If this goes on during exam week, I'll get my RA.

the creaking stops

fin.

Pigeon Hunting

Ask any college student the question, "what do you enjoy doing in college" and the answer will be pigeon hunting. Now before I continue some of you may say, "awe poor pigeons" and "don't hurt the pigeons, they didn't do anything to you" that's not true. It’s a common misconception that pigeons are tame, docile, and peace-loving creature. They actually are evil, spawned from the bowels of hell it self. Their number one goal is to live off the wastes of humans and shit on everything. In that respect they have much in common with the sea gull, but unfortunately we cannot contain the pigeon threat within mall parking lots and beaches like we can with their squawking cousins. Moreover it is this overall lack of control that we don't have over the pigeon populace is why they need to be hunted. Now there are many ways to hunt a pigeon. Anthony Lambruschi, master pigeon hunter extrordinair's method of hunting pigeons with a slingshot and Hershey's Kisses is favorable among most pigeon hunters but what if you come upon a pigeon and you don't have your slingshot or your kisses? You can't just leave it alone, so you have to exterminate it by any means necessary. For instance, my girlfriend and I were going up to her room on the fifth floor of her building and as we were walking I noticed the window at the end of the hall was open. Sure enough I looked down and there was two, not one but two pigeons starring me down ready to strike. I had to think fast so I pulled out my car keys and very cautiously moved toward my prey. When I was within range I let the keys loose with a speedy throw. They barely missed their target and hit the window behind my enemies. One pigeon was able to make it to the window seal and flew away. The other tried to follow the first but flew up and hit the bottom of the open window, fell and hit the window seal, got up, and finally flew away. I know that I didn't get both of them but I'm positive that the one is now mentally retarded and can no longer make babies. My last words of advice to all of you pigeon hunters is be ever vigilant, sleep with one eye open, and strike before the pigeon can strike back. These birds are a menace to society and need to be stopped. Do your part! Help us control the pigeon populace! Help us break down the pigeon status quo! And may we forever be the dominant species!

Five Months

I just wanted to announce to everyone that yesterday, Wensday April 5, 2006 was my girlfriend, Lisa's and mine fifth month month-averstery. I love her very much and I hope all of you who read this post may be as lucky as I am to one day find love as special as the love I have found.

The Monthly Useful Facts

1. Dust found in the average household is mostly made up of dead skin
2. The average iceberg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
3. Slugs have four noses
4. L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, was relieved of his command in the US Navy after shelling a Mexican island off of Baja California
5. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows
6. Giraffes have just seven vertebrae
7. "Godfather of Soul" James Brown was raised in a brothel and served three years hard labor for breaking into a car
8. Since 1976 there have been 916 people executed in the US
9. The National Enquirer was originally a horse-racing tip sheet
10. During WWII, citzens in Norway were arrested for wearing paper clips on their lapels


(dramatic music)...... The monthly fact to end all facts is....
11. Medical costs for chainsaw injuries in the US average $350 million per year